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     I'm going to start with what happened right after that last fight. I think we spend so much time talking about fighting that it's tiresome and grows useless.

     That kiss, Yeva. That's the way we should be kissing. Anything I could say about it sounds far too cliche, but we can settle on the fact that you are electric. And this morning, the giggling cuddles. That's the way we should be waking up. Talking about nothing and rolling around until you forget to have your grumpies. I'm going to save those two moments for a very long time, visit when I need that connection.

     Nothing new to report otherwise. When I realized you were going to ACE with Markie and Aden, I felt all the knots rising in my stomach, but I had actually just read this: "Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational." My frustration arises from illogical emotions because, in actuality, they hold no grounds. So I told myself a number of things that quickly deflated the stomach knots: you do not have feelings for her, you will be cautious with how you trust her, you know the boundary between acceptable and too far, you have both of our best interests at heart. The second I thought these thoughts into existence, everything relaxed. Right now, you are there and I have no anger inside.

     Last thing. I want to keep tabs on the things I learn, good quotes, and new information. Here are some of the bits I've gleaned today:
1) The breathing exercises I do for anxiety are also helpful for anger. I suppose if you think about anxiety and anger as a temporary state of irrationality, breathing slowly can bring one back to a more accurate state of reality.
2) The quote above, using logic (again like I use for anxiety) can combat the insanity. I should come up with a cool Dexter name for it, like "dark backseat driver". Except not that because it's stupid and make me laugh. I digress.
3) "There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem."
4) "It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words... Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one."
5) It's good to use a bit of silly humor to diffuse the more intense emotions. Then, start addressing and communicating the issue. I'm not so sure how well this one would work for me, but I think you'd really enjoy this so I'm going to think about it more.
6) Avoid environments that make me feel trapped, as I'll just feel more claustrophobic and angry. This is a great one for me because sometimes I need a bit of escape for clarity.

     All right, I must find a place to live with Kassy. Maybe help clean if you're good :D

Purpose

     Yesterday I made a deal with you that if I am aggressive again, this relationship is ending. Moreover, this is something I need to deal with myself because I don't want this problem to continue moving forward in any kind of relationship I have.

     I've never done this before, and I'm scared (as usual). I want a space for me to write everything on my mind because I think I react badly to almost everything these days. This way I can at least start telling you in some constructive way and I have a place to document my progress. This is will also be a place that I can tell you all the positive things as well so I don't forget to appreciate you. I have to make it, with or without you. That's hard to admit. I'd much rather do it with you by my side.

     I'm going to try and write about every 24 hours, but I know I'll miss some days. It sounds a bit excessive, but when I lose my mind it can happen when I let myself slip for even 5 minutes. That means everyday this has to be the first thing on my mind, and I have to remind myself constantly of the lessons I pick up from research and therapy.

     This post is the purpose. The rest will be my entries.